I only have to tolerate my least favorite “holiday season” for two more days.
Okay, okay, fine. I know that many of you out there love Halloween. Truth be told, some of my closest friends absolutely love all the creepy chills, thrills and poison pills conjuring up the ick, ickiest season of all.
They throw monster bashes or light up the night sky with purple and orange black lights or cover the entire house with fake tarantulas the size of my garage –thanks for kicking my arachnophobia into high hear, BTW.
But, I’m sorry---I’m just never going to wrap my arms around the life-size “Pennywise” clown from the horror film “It” in my neighbor’s driveway and declare my adoration for the most frightening time of the year.
Don’t get me started on why I am bombarded –under duress, mind you- with costume and candy ads beginning in June for a “holiday” that doesn’t happen until almost November? Oh and then there’s the childhood trauma of being wrongly accused of visiting a house twice and being betrayed by a pal all in the name of homemade popcorn balls. #imstillnotoveritdavid And that’s just the tip of the candy corn.
Fine, I like candy corn but that’s not the point. The point is I think the whole concept is just yucky. Here are the top three reasons Halloween is not my cup of hemlock:
The Candy Conundrum
Every year in early September I have to dust off those divorce paper drafts because that’s when Kerry and I start going round-and-round about how much candy it takes to feed 8,496 trick-or-treaters.
Me? I start buying and stashing bags around Easter to make sure we at least have a couple dozen in reserve. Kerry? He thinks we’re good with one package of six full Hershey bars, broken up into squares. #andthatshowtheargumentstarts
The bickering notwithstanding, there’s the constant temptation of having that much sugar in the house. Some of those little buggers get murdered in their sleep well before October, just sayin’.
Really, though, it is sheer dread, the thought of possibly running out of candy. “So? Then, we just turn the light off,” is Kerry’s reply, much like my own Dad has always said. #isthisaguything
Yeah, not on my watch, buster. Look, just because I’m not the world’s most enthusiastic Halloweener doesn’t mean I want to let down all the adorable little princesses and cowboys that come a callin’.
Oh, and for the record, adult trick-or-treaters not accompanying children? STOP. If you’re old enough to buy alcohol legally in these United States, quit begging strangers for free candy. Seriously, dude. Didn’t we date in college? Come on…
The Costume Shaming
I’m taking a stand for every Mom who ever bought or borrowed costumes for their kids: YOU ARE STILL A GREAT PARENT! Sure, Susie Sews-a-Lot stitched her daughter’s replica of Kate Middleton’s wedding dress by hand. And yeah, Sharon Super-Stylist fashioned her little girl’s “Rapunzel” wig from human hair that she saved for the last seven years. So what? It took you three stores and 37 minutes in line to get that Storm Trooper outfit. You hold your head high when you put it on your little darling. Besides, if it suddenly snows, he’s already covered head to toe, so there!
The Evil Mojo, Yo
Halloween is the only day of the year when people seem to think misdemeanor crime is acceptable. Every year, without fail, vandalism such as house-egging, pumpkin smashing, tire puncturing and window breaking all spikes through the roof in late October. ER’s brim over with Halloween-related injuries – especially if the date coincides with a full moon. It’s like people just go berserk or something. What is this, “The Purge?” Not cool, jack-o-lantern killers and soldiers of mayhem.
I’m just not all about the bloodletting and general gore fest. Yeah, I know, I know, I watch “The Walking Dead,” “Stranger Things” and, worst of all, “American Horror Story.” #irony But just because “The Godfather” movies are some of my all time favorites doesn’t mean I want to wake up next to a horse’s head, Capisce?
Look, I’m a card-carrying fan of JC and His Dad. All the demons and devils and netherworld crap just ain’t my jam. ‘Nuff said.
Happy Halloween, all!
Kimerer is a Tribune Chronicle columnist who is a little scared of Halloween, if you must know the truth, okay? Check out her un-creepy happy thoughts here at patriciakimerer.com each day.