It's such a simple concept that I can't believe, in almost 2019 and with Artificial Intelligence about to take over the planet, we haven't yet developed the technology.
I'm not asking for much, big brain engineers, just a modest little invention for giving liars their due. You know, pants that actually catch on fire when the wearer fibs. #LiarLiarPantsOnFire The bigger the falsehood, the more robust the combustion, you dig? Calm down, I'd have them build in a fire extinguisher safety feature that activates AFTER it notifies proper authorities yo.
It's a concept that's been mulling around in my gray matter since I was old enough to realize that not all people are of virtuous intent. To hear my sister tell it, that was just last week. Okay fine. So I'm a trusting person. Alright, a little too trusting. Maybe I've given the wrong humans 87 second chances and I wound up getting bit 87 more times. Whatever. #EternallyOptimistic #IBelieveMostPeopleAreGood
And while I will always believe that, in general, most earth dwellers are kind and giving and decent and upright...I do finally get it that not all are. Like the person who keeps unfairly throwing you under the bus for balls you didn’t drop. Little firecracker spark in the pocket for him/ her.
Or the repeat thief who keeps taking food out of the break room refrigerator that was bought/made by other people. #Dishonest #Cheap #Lazy I'd give him/her a minor little blaze right there in the backside.
Or the sweet-looking older gentleman who gladly relieved my wallet of its currency when he swiped it out from under me as I accidentally dropped it at the casino last Saturday. More on that in this week's column. #WolfInSheepsClothing He'd get a tiny bonfire, not because I was the victim but because he presented himself as Grandpa when he was really Grand Theft Paws.
Or the bonehead that swiped the cash out of the car of my very close pal the other day just because she mistakenly left the garage door up. #JerkFace #StupidHead Now him? He gets a mini-inferno because this girl is the sweetest person around and gives and cares and hugs and loves as a way of life. She, of all peeps, didn't deserve the aggravation, frustration, fear, and plain old crumminess this man wrought on her and her fam. Oh, BTW, they caught him...my little gambling buddy, too. #ServesYouRight
Anyway, smarty pants inventors; could you please get on this right away? I can't exactly pay you money but there's a huge pan of homemade lasagna in it for the first person to help me patent the Truth Trousers, Capisce?