Taking Creative (Driver's) License

Sponsored by Keith A. Veres, CPA, CGMA

"Lord, do not trouble yourself, for I am not worthy to have you enter under my roof...but say the word and let my servant be healed..."

There is an old joke about having a life goal to “someday weigh as much as it says I do on my Driver's License."

I am an old girl, so I know a lot of old jokes. #50

Either way, the average homosapien stretches the boundaries of truth when it comes to certain DL declarations. 

In fact, we should all be required to take a polygraph when answering some of the questions at the Bureau of Motor Vehicles ‘cause it’s clear we are taking some creative license in that place, yo. Okay, fine, we are telling big fat lies.

Let's start with that obnoxious first one: the weight box. I'm pretty sure that I have never in my life, from the time I was a teen up through and including the present, asserted an accurate Driver's License weight. Like, ever.

It certainly wasn't exact between late March and early December of 1999 at which time I happened to be growing a person in my person. I feel this stipulation is grounds for a weight waiver on the old DL. Women are invited and encouraged to concur with or dispute this theory; I call it the “Pregnant Pause Clause.” Men are expressly forbidden to offer any opinions other than those favorable toward Moms-to-Be. No exceptions or exclusions and subject to fines. As in, you will not like it when you ask us if everything is okay and we say it is FINE…you dig? #DontGoThere

Face it (though we obviously cannot?): we are a bunch of pathetic weight fibbers. But also, methinks we be tellin’ some tall tales in the height division, too.

I’m playing the ignorant card here. It’s sort of a collective case of mistaken elevation; in other words, I think we truly believe that we DO stand as tall as our DL states.

“Wait a minute, what do you mean I’m only five foot four-and-a-half?” I practically cried to the nurse at my doctor’s office last year. I realize the inch that fell off my altitude chronologically…but that hasn’t coerced me to confess it on my DL, Capisce? I am still 5’ 5” on there.

Oh, and, just as an aside, if you are employed by the BMV, here’s a friendly suggestion: unless it relates to the vision test, if someone says everything on their license is the same as stated currently, do not dispute it.

I don’t care if a woman is expecting quintuplets in four minutes and she tells you she still weighs 87 pounds. I don’t care if an octogenarian with nary a single strand left on his scalp tells you he’s still got a thick mane of coal black hair. Go with it. No need to add insult to age-ry, for heaven’s sake. 

Oh, and BTW, is there any possible way we could get some better lighting and say, a hair/makeup artist in there for the mug shot, er, photo portion of the ID? In fact, if we could just bring a photo from home, preferably from a prior decade or so, that’d be great, thanks.

I personally will be bringing in a screenshot of my Bitmoji image; you know, that little caricature you create as your avatar photo for social media? In Patty Land, my Bitmoji is my identical twin. What you think I made her a little too young and hip and cool?

Hey, don’t make me check your ID, okay?

Kimerer is a Tribune Chronicle columnist whose photo ID is chock full ‘o fiction, yo. 

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