That is to say, I innocently sparked a controversial candy convo with some of my pals simply by asking: “Does anyone know if we’re still having trick-or-treating?”
The Zoom glares zapped my way were anything but Zen, ya dig?
“Of course there’s trick-or-treating!”
“What are you insinuating?”
“Why would they cancel it when the kids are already together in school?”
“Wait, what? I don’t necessarily think they should…” I started to reply, to no avail.
“I’m sorry but you’re WRONG, Patty! There SHOULD be trick-or-treating. Period!”
They cut me off faster than “Leatherface” slices apart victim appendages in the “Texas Chainsaw Massacre.”
I’m telling you, that whole discourse was more dire than solo strolling in the woods at midnight at Camp Crystal Lake, capisce?
Man, did I ever start a feud. The battle raged like an autumn bonfire – and I was catching quite a few embers.
Sheesh! All I was trying to do was mentally make my grocery list? Let’s see – TP, dog food, Lysol wipes, chicken breasts, and oh, that’s right, 8,492 bags of M&Ms.
We get a lot of little goblins and ghouls at my ‘hood, yo.
In fact, our little zombie zone goes ALL out for Halloween. Firstly, there are those folks at the top of the development who are, frankly, fright fanatics.
They line both sides of their driveway with life-size mannequins of movie murderers including, but not limited to:
-Freddy Krueger (“Nightmare on Elm Street” sleep-time slayer) -Jason Voorhees (“Friday the 13th” serial slaughterer) -Pennywise (the laughin’ assassin from “It”) -Hannibal Lecter (cannibalistic crackpot from “Silence of the Lambs”) -Michael Myers (people predator from the anthology of, you guessed it, “Halloween”)
Simultaneously, they conduct a blaring sicko symphony of macbre music, laser out strobing black, orange, and purple lightshows, and ooze a dried-ice-induced fog out into their frontyard…
Which is dotted by gravestones, oversized tarantulas, and bloodied, battered faux human hands seeming clawing their way out of early graves after being buried alive.
They even have a coffin propped up way in the back in the garage -- some years, the male homeowner dresses as Dracula and lies inside of if, waiting to terrify passersby.
Demons and monsters and ogres need not apply; they’re already on the payroll. I’m pretty sure the “Tell Tale” heart is tucked within the floorboards of their dining room.
Have I mentioned how much I loathe the evil aspect of Halloween lately?
Yes, people, you’re right. Why should we deprive unleashing all of that on our wee ones?
Gulp; I can’t believe I’m about to say this but, why, indeed?
IF we can find some pandemic-proof way to pull it off, I must admit that I would hate for one of the very funnest of all the kid days to be yanked away. Poor little honeys certainly have had childhood interruptus courtesy of you-know-what.
Shoot, 2020 is pretty much a scare-fest in total anyway, why not at least let the children have some candy to take the edge off a bit?
So, here’s hoping there’s a secure but sweet answer for the kiddos by all hallow’s eve.
And that my neighbors’ power goes out from 5PM on October 31 until the raven, er, rooster crows at daylight on November 1.
Kimerer is a columnist who hates Halloween creepiness but loves lighting up little faces with Reese Cups and Twizzlers and Kit Kats, oh my! Check out her sweet li’l blog www.patriciakimerer.com