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Everyone goes berserk one cold October
Ah, yes, it's that time of year yet again, friends. Time for me to whine about how much I detest Halloween.
With apologies to my sweet pal Ashlea and all other lovers of this "holiday"—I am not a fan of Halloween.
Well, it’s a little more than that.
I’m really, really not into the whole, evil-infused, dress up like a serial killer, dowse yourself in fake-blood and draw huge scars on your face, jack-o-lanterns smashed all over my driveway, or terrorizing a black cat hoopla of it all, ‘kay?
Look, man, Halloween just ain’t my jam.
Not even if it’s pumpkin, ginger, clove or chai-flavored jam. In fact, especially then. Blech! What is the DEAL with everyone liking chai, dude?
Ick. Either way.
I wouldn’t like this day if someone bought me a lifetime supply of: hazelnut sugar free creamer, salted-caramel covered sticky buns, pumpkin pies and maple donuts, gallons of apple cider or even bushel upon bushel of bags of cranberries.
I do love me all of the above, in the spirit of full disclosure. Especially the cranberries, yo. Candy corn, too, by the by. #SugarSugarAndMoreSugar
But that’s all really more fall favor, friends. It’s not Halloween specific, see?
And yes, yes, your Honor, I will finally just admit it under oath, I HATE HALLOWEEN!!!
In fact, the only saving graces of last year’s lock down were: a) quality time with my kiddo, b) a chance to binge-watch Netflix, and oh yes, c) Halloween got canceled for the most part, yo.
DO NOT GET ME STARTED ON THE 850 GAZILLION REASONS OCTOBER 31 IS NOT A HOLIDAY.
Okay, fine, I'm already started, in drive and halfway down the block.
Allow me to submit my evidence on behalf of the argument that Halloween is, indeed, NOT a holiday.
Are banks, schools, and stores closed? No.
Did any U.S. President ever in the history of, um, the invention of Mallow Cups sign the day into law as a legal freebie furlough? Nope.
In fact, if you DO happen to take the 31st day of the 10th month off, does your employer go:
"Oh, I totally get it! You need to make the food, clean and decorate the house, pick up family from the airport, plan out the menu ... heck, you just go ahead and take it with pay, buddy!"
Uh, no, no he/she does not, a'ight? Ya gotta burn a vacation day, Capisce?
I mean, even the whole origin of the celebration is legit creepy. Yeah, I know, that’s the whole point of Halloween.
But easily frightened freaks like moi do not necessarily appreciate its tale which, according to the research done by those smart peeps over at the History Channel, states:
“This day marked the end of summer and the harvest and the beginning of the dark, cold winter, a time of year that was often associated with human death. Celts believed that on the night before the new year, the boundary between the worlds of the living and the dead became blurred. On the night of October 31, they celebrated Samhain, when it was believed that the ghosts of the dead returned to earth.”
Oh HEX to the no, y’all.
In fact, to quote the terrified new homeowner in the Geico commercial who unearths melted mannequins, a macabre music box dancer, and a general scene of morbid moroseness up in the attic of his recently-purchased casa, my vibe for all things scary Halloween is:
“Nope. No. No thank you.”
Kimerer is a columnist who will be shuddering beneath the dining room table until daylight hits on November 1st. Visit her non-scary blog at www.patriciakimerer.com